POST #43

I don't want to feel that "thing" again.

I'm happy right now, I guess, the happiest. Many things happened these past few months. I introduce someone to my parents for the first time and I was really nervous that time. Actually, I did not plan to introduce him real soon to my parents because I'm afraid that he will just walk away someday. i dont want to be be a loser introducing someone to my parents for the first time then he will just leave me. But it turned out okay. They get together well and I am still surprised :) I just hope that he will be the first and last person that I will introduce to them. I'm thankful that God answered my prayers more than what I asked to Him. 

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POST #42

Just the thought of someone leaving haunts me.

I have been hearing hearts broken around. It somehow scares me to take the risk again. I'm too afraid that somehow the happiness I have right now will be taken away from me in the future. I dont want the feeling of being extremely sad again. Though you trust the person, there's still this feeling that in the end, you two will end up like the rest, broken. I guess falling in love is a cycle, a not so good one. You will fall in love then have arguments, be able to fix those, disagreements again, then one day either one of you will get tired and will fall out of love no matter how much promises you made or the other. That's what scary about promises, they are meant to be broken and there's no assurance about it. It's just a word that's been sugar coated for you to believe. So how can you tell if someone is completely different from the rest? 

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POST #41

i dont know bakit?

Minsan nakakainis rin sarili ko. I always say "ok lang or wala,im fine" pero sa totoo lang pinipilit ko lang na maging oo. Then after being strong during that moment di ko na kayang pigilan yung nararamdaman ko,I'll end up crying. Bakit ba di ko kayang maglie sa nararamdaman ko? yung tipong di gaanong visible yung nararamdaman ko. Ang bilis ko kasing maapektuhan and i know mali pero kasi  I think sensitive ako masyado if at least care. Ang tagal lang talaga mawala sa isip ko ang mga naririnig ko especially kapag masakit or alam kong magcacause ng pain in the future. it's not overacting, it's preventing well, ako lng nakakagets nito. Kasi naman kung ikekeep mo yung something na sasakit sayo sa future why not let go today di ba?

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POST #40

I'm happy as a bee :)

August was good to me, so good hehe

Well, I never thought na I will be this happy again. Actually, beyond happy before :) if you will compare last year's event from this year...it's totally different in a good way. I'm thankful enough that God answered my prayers and still answering but I'm still afraid to try even though I always have this mantra that there-is-no-harm-in-trying. I just really don't know why am I like this. I think I'm too afraid of getting hurt again again. Especially when you hear the same words like it's a déjà vu. Sometimes, you're just want to have that long pause and think first because of the fast phasing of events that you don't even know what's real or not. Im afraid to have the same mistake of trusting someone not worthy of it. I know it's bias but its my way of protecting myself from getting hurt again. I just wish people will always be happy and won't get hurt so that they won't have issues. I like how someone is giving me so much effort pero ayaw ko masanay. Kasi syempre mahirap din yun di ba, yung tipong dependent ka na sa tao. Kaya as much as possible kahit alam kong may ganun, I always set my expectation sa lowest point. Mas masaya kaya ang buhay kapag you assume less and live more :)

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POST #39

Few hours before my birthday :) I'm really excited to be 20 though I don't plan anything hahaha. Awesome! I just want to share what I learned before I will turn 20:)

1. YOU CAN BE HAPPY ALONE. Before, I always have this me time. It's my way of telling to someone I can do this without you or when I'm on my tampo mode haha but one thing I learned while doing this several times was that I'm actually teaching myself that I can be happy alone. Note: it's fun to have a me time but I guess with friends around is better :)

2. KEEPING THINGS TO YOURSELF WILL SOMETIMES MAKE THINGS WORST. I'm not really a person who shares super personal things but if I do,you're special. But sometimes I don't even share problems to the closest ones. I tend to keep it to myself. I always try to fix it on my own because I have this belief before that "I'm the only one who can fix my problems". I was proven wrong. It's sometimes better to have a friend ready to listen to you, guide you in some way but make sure the last decision will come from you. Because when you keep things to yourself, there will be times you'll just breakdown.

3. IT'S OKAY TO BE WEAK,SOMETIMES. I always try to make sure that I'm strong even just on the outside but it's wrong. You also need to be weak, to admit it to yourself that you're weak to be able to know youre also strong. Yeah, it's confusing but it works for me hehe

4. WHAT YOU BELIEVE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE WHAT PEOPLE AROUND YOU BELIEVE TOO. You just have to respect other people's belief. You meet new people almost everyday and it is best to understand them first and don't judge. 

5. FIRST IMPRESSION IS JUST FIRST IMPRESSION. My first impression is always the wrong one so I stop having this first impression thingy. Most of my first impression with my friends right now are contrary to who they really are. 

6. A BAD PAST RELATIONSHIP WILL REALLY CHNGE YOU. Well, beliefs were ruined already. I start not to believe in fairytales. I doubt when someone tells me something good or nice because I always bare in mind that, that person will only leave me or hurt me.  Though it taught me a good lesson to be strong and to stand up again from being messed up. But that bad relationship makes me want to try again because on the least I still believe in happy endings :)

7. DON'T EXPECT. Expecting can really ruin everything. I try not to expect anything because it wil just lead to disappointments and I don't like disappointments. It will only give you bad a feeling and all other thing will be affected. Just be happy what you have at the moment because no one has the same moment like you do so cherish it :)

8. IF YOU CAN FIX,FIX IT. You don't just throw feelings away just because you're tired of understanding that feeling. I believe that smart people don't just ditch because they're tired, they fix it. Honestly, If I will be asked to which generation I want to be? I go for the 80s because of the long relationships they have.

9. EXPRESS YOURSELF. Don't be afraid of being yourself. There will be people who will come and will try to change you, have this courage to say NOOOO! Don't change for someone because they want you to change but change for yourself, to be better. If they really love you, they'll love the you together with your flaws.

10. DONT BE AFRAID TO TRY. Try as much as possible. Don't let the opportunities pass. Always have the courage to take that step because you'll never know where that step can lead you. You just need to control. Control is the key. If you know you'll get hurt in trying, just try and always be positive that it will lead you to something better. I think it's better to try then later you'll wonder what if I did this or that?

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POST #38

This my pre birthday post. Four days before my birthday so you guys can get ready haha kidding!:) Well, I want a new ipad case, hello kitty, earplugs,clothes and moreee joke..just kidding again haha

People have been asking me what's my plan for my "special" day. Well, for me it's not that really special. It's just an ordinary one,seriously. Simply because I want my every single living day to be treated as special and I think it's more appropriate :) Yeah, I want to receive something on that day but these past few weeks I realized that my life with great people around me who love me for me is enough :) there's so much progress in me in less than a year and I'm already thankful for that, so much! I love what I'm feeling now and so happy that I did it! The cheerful and I-know-what-I-deserve Keyn is baaaacck! 💋:)

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POST #37

She's afraid.

If you're someone from a "morbid" relationship would you still want to take risk of the probability of getting hurt again?Maybe not with the same reason but still,you will still get hurt. Well, if will have a choice,I don't want to. I'm between the line of wanting to try and you-should-back-out-because-you'll-probably-get-hurt-again. Look what guys can do to us,girls. I should not blame anyone,I know, because I chose to enter that "battlefield" which I thought before as a "garden full of happiness". Sometimes it's just so hard to differentiate the truths from the lies. Sometimes, it seems to be the truth actually it's a lie after it was said. It really a matter of weighing,a matter of being an inspector to the words being thrown to you. And it's hard because you know what? People will tell you everything pleasing to your ears without even thinking that they might hurt you later on. I hope all will be responsible to the words we tell to other people. And it all boils down to being honest,be honest first to yourself.

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POST #36

Since yesterday I had this on my mind. Do I really need a Facebook account? I'm still weighing the pros and cons of it. Before Facebook trends, who the hell cares about it right? Almost everyone were busy having this real social life. But look at us now, every moment, events and even those nonsense things like arguments and negativities became statuses of most of us. I am also guilty on this part. It seems like Facebook pushes us to have the life what most people have. To just go with the flow and be like everyone else of our age or gender or the society we belong. Like if you're 25,you're supposed to have a family, a happy one or had achieved what everyone had already. It's like Facebook dictates us to be an anonymous person and not a unique one. It's Iike bragging everything you have that should not be shared in public. I guess facebook only gives this thing called disappointment in some aspect. Yeah,Facebook helps us to stay connected but I hope on the least we know the limitations. 

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POST #35

She prays but it is as if God never listen.

I find it really "heart breaking" realizing this. Maybe we all came to a point where we seek guidance and protection from God. We ask so many things which we think is good for us but it is as if God never hear us pray. It's like being rejected to an interview or to a lead role you wanted so bad but did we even think that He's just listening and waiting for the right time? Maybe not. Because we desire so much that we came to a point wherein we just think of ourselves,what we think is best for that moment and not with what is best for the longest time. When we have problems we tend to question God's power to control our lives. We question Him with those why questions. Why can't it be? Why did it happened? Why now? Why it i didn't last?But didn't we just say THANK YOU'VE GIVEN ME JUST ENOUGH? Well, because we think we are powerful than Him in controlling our lives. What's best is not to give up. Don't give up in a way that you continue your life by removing or adding factors that will make you better.  Choose to be happy in those times where you are down and problematic. Realizations will always come in last but it is never too late to make yourself ready for the next time.

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POST #34

I'm starting to forget the details...

Yeah..DETAILS. I think details are essential to remember how it felt,how was it or what was in it. And I'm half glad that I'm starting to get confused of it and I'm half sad because I'm starting to forget how it felt in his arms or simply his voice. Not even affected by a photo of them..I feel great now😊 The key to this is stop talking about it instead PRAY FOR THEM.Actually,I have been doing this for more than a month and then suddenly a close friend of mine told me this(coincidence):

                         

I guess I forgave him already though I never really got an apology from him but 

                        

I know it's God's way of telling me: "Not yet my daughter,I have something better for you and I want you to prepare for this." As of now I'm enjoying different companies. I feel love from my organization in school,batchmates and dormates. And I'm starting to meet new people and they're awesome :) 👍

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POST #33

Hi everyone 😊

So it is my first day of school. Biochemistry is my first subject of the day..7 am. I was really sleepy awhile ago I don't know why hehe. I have this weird cycle that when there's no classes if like an owl who's awake in the night but when I need to review something I suddenly feel sleepy...WEIRD. 

I am here in the library while writing this. Because I'm so bored waiting for my 1 pm class. We do not have our full classes on the first meeting. It fun but yeah it boring especially when your classes are 6 hours laboratory. I find my schedule this sem boring want a peek?

Look at my Thursday schedule..four and a half hour vacant. But my Tuesday schedule is tiring I guess because of 3 hours back-to-back laboratory huhu. I'm so excited for my Computer science subject because I'm really excited to learn more about the Internet and most of all making of websites hehe.

Soooooooo I'm really bored now and sleepy. I hope my decision is right about not taking my other majors. I just don't want to stress myself so much and I want to take my time and enjoy my 2 years stay in the university. I don't want failing grades.Well, who want that anyway? 😜 I think I have this phobia/trauma that I might experience again the stress that I had the past months. Honestly,it is really tiring and depressing but it is good that I was able to cope up with the situation a little faster than what I expected. Thank you to my HS classmates/best friends, to few close friends who never stop giving me advices when I am down, people i met just now because of my problem and also my cousin ate Gisele who's my kachikahan these past few days. It is really true that you'll never know who are your friend until you're there in your lowest point. Soo again I'm taking time and I really hope taking time won't require me to extend my residency haha I know God will always be there for me no matter what. 

For now, I know there will be more low points that I will deal with. I'm just 19 so I should be ready for more. And think positively about the things that will come. I know someone is at my back ready to defend me when I'm about to fall. I just hope that people have one word on thing especially the big words...

12:04 library, June 11,2013

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POST #32

So from my post on how to move on to actually feeling a lot better :)

"I will get this..I will get this..I will get this".Have you ever tried to have this mantra on your head?and when suddenly that mantra came to life and what you want to get at the moment became yours. Have you ever wondered who it was?Who did it? Well, that's the power of your MIND, WORDS,MOTIVATION AND MOST OF ALL GOD. I have this experience every time I commute from home to school. I'm such a slow packer so I usually don't leave the house on time. SO, there's traffic and it's 15 minutes to go before my 1st class and I have to go first to my dorm to drop some things. I have this words in my head "MOVE, MOVE and MOVE" while looking to the car in front of us. Did you know what happened? It actually move every time I said those words in my head. And when I was near to my dorm, I prayed that I wish I should not be late but time is running so I have no choice. I can't just stop time like that. I was 5 minutes late already but God was there, when I went to class my class the professor was absent. See? He's always listening to our prayers :) We just really need to have motivation and patience. And don't forget to act because words without action is nothing :)

POSITIVE VIBESSSS EVERYONE :)

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POST #31

Mistakes.We all have them.Of course. Because no one is perfect.

I just want to share something I watched.."Girl's Guide to Starting Over". I saw this while browsing videos on YOUTUBE. And it somewhat inspired me to write something on my blog(Note:Some points we're lifted from the video).

Everyone has the power to refresh their life. A new beginning as we all know. Yeah,it kinda hard at first but if you keep on trying and continue on finding ways how,you'll surely get over it.

Here are some pointers on how to start a "new" life :)

1. Let go.

two words.5 letters.LET GO. Such  big word for someone who had been hurt but let's face it..it's the first thing we need to do. The first question is how? OH well, it depends on how you want it to be,how you want to let go. You can try donating the stuff your special someone gave you before because if you continue to see memories it will only give you an "ouch" feeling in the end and delete pictures you have whether online or offline(seeing those won't help you)..IT'S JUST A ONE CLICK AWAY TO MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR YOU (as what the video I watched said). It a way of deciding how and what is the best way for you to have fresh start. Always remember that it's not the end of your life. When something ended always remember that there will always be a new beginning.  THINK POSITIVE ABOUT IT.

2. Forgive
With all honesty this is really hard to do especially to someone to hurt you. Someone you trusted. But forgiving will be the best solution. In my honest opinion,you don't have to forgive someone in a hurry,let time take you there. Don't forgive just in words,it should be in the heart. Forgive yourself, I guess that's the best way. Free yourself from all the anger and all other negative feelings you're feeling. It will only bring you down always. It's not that easy,I know but you should. And you should do it in the least time possible. Nothing beats a free mind and heart. Never trap yourself in the shadow of the past. You'll never know what might happen in the future.

3. Change your outlook
Outlook. We might have different meaning to this word. It might be outlook in life or environment. Try things you haven't tried. Go out and have fun. Change your room setting to something more delightful,don't hide in the shadow. Join other company as well. They can give some pretty weird advises but they can surely make you smile and forget everything for a while :) You can also change your wardrobe. Choose a more happy color for your clothes that a good way to start. Start fixing yourself. One way to feel happy is to look happy,isn't it? Try to put some make up,get a relaxing massage or facial and the most common is to have a haircut :)

4. Smile
Nothing beats a girl with a smile. Smile can really do wonders. I can lift up your spirit. It can lighten your mood and things will be easier. Frowning should never be on the list if you want a fresh start. And always remember that it's the best accessory that you can have..the best make up you can wear ;) IT WILL NEVER FADE :)

5. Never stop dreaming
Never let this event in your life ruin your future plans. Let this be your guide, your motivation to be better. At first you might not see it as a motivation but months and years will past and you'll just laugh at your mistakes. Continue in reaching your dreams :)


You don't need a new year or a new lover to start over ;) Love yourself first,that's the best thing you can do. Know yourself and when you're READY..EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY :)

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POST #30

It has been a roller coaster ride. I want to ask,why me?

I think I lose my balance to life. I wasted so much of my time waiting and hoping. There was even a time that I stop prioritizing my studies just to fix things. I dont study for the final exam, pre finals and even cut classes. I almost regret that part. But God is with me, all the time. HE never left me. I did pass all my subjects.I just thought that I am really better without him. There's still anger but anger will not do anything. It will only consume me. I know time will heal everything. And I'm really hoping that time will come. I don't regret doing the things that made me look crazy like chasing or trying to fix the relationship. BUT I just really hope that he should have told me before that he has someone else so I wont bother him before and not hope for and the pain will not be as hurtful as it is now. For now I really want to release whatever I'm feeling,I want the pain to consume me but not for too long. I really want to cry so hard but I just can't. I dont know what 's with me, too much pain maybe that I end up having a stone heart. I don't like the feeling of being numb,it kills. I just really hope you became visible and let everything to be transparent and you should have not hide everything.I bet he told the girl the words he told me before. I just really wish that the girl wont be fooled if she really dont know anything. I hope you really know how to treat girls,the right way. 

The good thing about what happened is that I learned so many things. I learn to be positive about things that might be impossible and to believe. Though I feel the pain, I know I'm okay. I deserve more because I can give more. That's what on my mind right now. I know the right person will come and won't hurt me with lies. I know he will come and wont let a tear fall from my eyes. When that person come, I won't think twice to bring him home and introduce to my parents(it's not good to introduce someone who will just leave you).

In the end, don't regret anything. I gave my best, I trusted and I loved unconditionally.

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POST# 29

I saw this on facebook...

"Dadating yung araw na ikaw nalang yung madalas magttext. Dadating yung araw na yung mga pagkahaba habang reply niya sayo, ngayon hindi na umaabot ng 3 words. Malay mo isang araw, hindi na siya singsweet nung dati. Yung 10x na pagi-iloveyou niya sayo sa isang araw ngayon isang beses na lang, minsan nga hindi na. Yung pagaalala niya na, “Kumain ka na ba?” o kaya naman, “Okay ka lang ba?” Malay mo isang araw, hindi ka na niya tatanungin nun. Hindi na siya yung nakilala mo noon na sobrang caring at sobrang bait. Yung tao na nasasandalan mo, dahil madalas, puro away nalang kayo. Dadating yung araw na hindi niyo na gagawin yung mga bonding niyo noon kasi tinatamad daw siya. Yun bang, dumadating na sa puntong ikaw nalang yung umiintindi, ikaw nalang yung nage-effort, ikaw nalang yung umaako ng lahat. Dumadating sa puntong ikaw nalang yung nagmamahal. Pilit kang kumakapit, habang siya, bumibitaw na."

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POST #28

Final exams are over,I'm so nervous about the results. I'm really praying that all will be well. It's been so hard for me to focus and study especially during this time when I'm so depress.

SO,right now I'm so eager to see him in person. To see how really is he. Is he really ok without me?..I guess YES :( I cant ignore him no matter how angry I am to him. I can't do the things he has been doing to these past few months...TO TOTALLY IGNORE ME(yeah,it hurts a lot). I know I'm suplada sometimes but just because I'm just shy to that person or I didn't notice him/her but to intentionally ignore a person especially when you shared so much or you've been close to each other for quite sometime that is so unreasonable. I don't really understand how can he do that. Maybe he's a professional :)yea like guys who are kinda mean but hell no for you to totally ignore me!I think I need to be mean too hehe How can you ignore someone you promise almost everything? NOW, I don't know if those promises were really lies and were just used to set me on a trap to fall for him. WHY OH WHY? why guys keep hurting girls?

please don't say promises you cant keep, you'll end up hurting someone in the end <3

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POST #27

When I care,I care and when I love, I love.

I really dont know why I'm like this. No matter how much that person hurt me, I'm still willing to give love in return. It's like I'm-willing-to-chase-you-no-matter-what. I know this might not look good for a girl to chase someone but I just cant let the chance pass that I'm not able to say what's on my mind and heart. I dont even want to regret someday things I didn't do. In the future I want to say if things didn't go my way, at least I tried my best and it's not anymore my fault why it turned out wrong. I really choose who I want to care for. Because some people I cared for before,took it for granted and when new people came to their life, they forgot about me. SO I REALLY CHOOSE CAREFULLY. Right now,I really wish that I will never regret things that I'm doing now. I want to believe in what my heart tells me to do. This feeling is new to me,and it's a hard feeling to cope up with. But I know eventually when things are in their right place, my happiness cant be measure. I hope that day will come where all the pain I felt will be gone. It's you baby who can do that :) 

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POST #26

hi everyone, i'm back :)

My blog is now public again. The first two months had been rough for me and I dont have control over it. I think this year will be the saddest year for me. I dont want to dwell to much on things that will only hurt me but I cant help but just get hurt by the thought. For now,I have this difficulty of trusting especially guys. I hate promises, they're really meant to be broken. first I thought the whole thing was real.I fall in and after just a few months I fall out. TRUST. I dont know if I can trust sweet and promising words again. I hate how someone can tell you everything that just came out of their mouth without even thinking of reality. I always ask myself if "i'm not really that good?". Maybe I', not because if I'm enough for him he wont let me go. I think I'm just the one whose really hurt with this whole thing because I dont really know how true is he now that he broke every promise he told me. Before I met him, I was this girl who always think that every person can be trusted but now, I dont know. I always told my friends that If only I can have selective amnesia then it would be great. I really want to ask him if his tears before were real or just because I'm crying that time. How can he ignore me like I'm just a nobody to him. I think I'm in a trauma. When we're just beginning, my friends told me to be careful because we're opposites but instead of following my mind,I still follow my heart and trust him. I wouldn't be like this if you didn't promise me anything but those were just words written in the air and they're gone together with you. Now I know that there are really people who can fake things. For  now, I'm trying to be positive with things. I know there's reason why we're apart now. I hope next time I fall in, that someone will never leave me. I will make sure that every thing will be ok. I still love him and that's for sure and I want him back. I dont know how long but i dont want someone to replace his place in my heart. If there will be someone who will replace my place in his,it will really hurt me but that's it, I just need to accept everything.

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POST #25

what to do next?

I'm thinking advance.What will I do after college? though I'm so far from graduating. There'll be no roommate and neighbors. I guess I will miss everything. The running from building to building because I'm late,fighting my sleepiness because of finishing a paper(cramming!), nonsense but meaningful talks with my bestfriend and many more. It think I will just cherish today and keep collecting memories :)

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